Seeking Input
I am of the belief, and have been for a long time now, that open and respectful dialogue and conversation is a valuable thing.
Sports like ultimate bring together people who may differ widely in their opinions and beliefs. We become friends through shared battle with these people. I truly enjoy the debates and conversations I have with people I consider friends, and often more so when my friend's opinion fundamentally differs from my own. I would hate to become one of those people who insulates themselves against other people by surrounding themselves only with those who agree with them, and only holds discussion about challenging ideas with those who won't challenge their own viewpoints. I think these kinds of discussions end up devolving into a form of 'intellectual masturbation.' We've all had different influences in our lives that have shaped the way we view the world and other people, and I think that sharing these worldviews and investigating the rationale behind them is a worthwhile enterprise.
I'd like to think that those who I engage in these conversations with feel the same way. I try to make sure that it is clear that a discussion of disagreeing ideas does not mean in any way that I respect the person who holds them any less. I am recently (beginning as of a few months ago) unsure about how successful I am in this. I would not want a friend of mine to be offended by anything I said or did and not tell me. The relationship is too important to me. I suppose I assume that those who (I think) consider me a friend would feel the same way. I also wonder about the strength of a friendship between myself and someone for whom this is not the case. I find it hard to believe that it is more valuable to silently and/or passively hold onto a disagreement with someone until it becomes a distaste for the person themselves than to speak your mind and invite dialogue.
How much freedom to express ourselves and engage in challenging conversation are we supposed to sacrifice for the sake of a relationship? Is it better to speak or remain silent? At what point does the sacrifice become too much? Does this devalue the friendship?
Sports like ultimate bring together people who may differ widely in their opinions and beliefs. We become friends through shared battle with these people. I truly enjoy the debates and conversations I have with people I consider friends, and often more so when my friend's opinion fundamentally differs from my own. I would hate to become one of those people who insulates themselves against other people by surrounding themselves only with those who agree with them, and only holds discussion about challenging ideas with those who won't challenge their own viewpoints. I think these kinds of discussions end up devolving into a form of 'intellectual masturbation.' We've all had different influences in our lives that have shaped the way we view the world and other people, and I think that sharing these worldviews and investigating the rationale behind them is a worthwhile enterprise.
I'd like to think that those who I engage in these conversations with feel the same way. I try to make sure that it is clear that a discussion of disagreeing ideas does not mean in any way that I respect the person who holds them any less. I am recently (beginning as of a few months ago) unsure about how successful I am in this. I would not want a friend of mine to be offended by anything I said or did and not tell me. The relationship is too important to me. I suppose I assume that those who (I think) consider me a friend would feel the same way. I also wonder about the strength of a friendship between myself and someone for whom this is not the case. I find it hard to believe that it is more valuable to silently and/or passively hold onto a disagreement with someone until it becomes a distaste for the person themselves than to speak your mind and invite dialogue.
How much freedom to express ourselves and engage in challenging conversation are we supposed to sacrifice for the sake of a relationship? Is it better to speak or remain silent? At what point does the sacrifice become too much? Does this devalue the friendship?
posted by Fraggle @ 12:48 AM
2 Comments:
At 13:15,
vmh said…
I think it's rarely appropriate to sacrifice conversation for the sake of a relationship. People shouldn't be afraid of their own opinions, and friendships are great forums for sharing ideas.
However, I do think the line can be blurry between the effects of what we've said and how we've said it.
K2 and I had a discussion not too long ago about how when friends become close, they tend to put less effort into making sure they're speaking to each other respectfully. The same words can have a very different impact based on how they're expressed. This concept and impassioned conversations are a dangerous combination.
For the sake of a relationship, we should be willing to put in effort to consider the way we're expressing our ideas, rather than only considering whether or not to express them.
At 14:09,
AWill said…
I agree with vmh that it is rarely appropriate to sacrifice conversation for the sake of a relationship. Initially I thought the statement was almost a truism, but I think its more that it is something that at least all of us seek. We all want relationships that are functional and reciprocal, and we want the security to know we can express ourselves.
When we get into conversations that are "heated", we can often get too involved in what we have to say and lose the meaning and position of those we are speaking to. I think this happens in at least to ways: 1. Sometimes we are just waiting our turn to speak again. 2. I've realized other times that I project an anticipated tone to the comments that are being made and this jades them and can lead to miscommunication.
This is very tough, some topics can bring strong emotions, and there are triggers we don't recognize. I think that not recognizing differences in the tones beneath the dialog is where most miscommunication happens.
With comfort in friendships comes an expected synchronizing of emotion (you can look it up, I can provide references). This seems obvious, but it also true on hormonal levels that we are not aware of. When I hang out with you guys, though rare, I'm more comfortable and I miss it when I don't. Some of that is hormonal, its not just that I cognitively deduce that you are good company blah blah. It feels good to hang out with friends.
So, with friends, we are comfortable exploring these potential conflicts, but we have some expectations (whether intentional or not) that they feel the same way that we do, or perceive the same way that we do.
It takes a conscience effort to be empathetic like this with people you are comfortable with.
And from a different angle, it can be incredibly difficult to get past an emotional reaction and continue in a dialog. That is why lots of people decide to take time to cool off before resolving conflict. If you say something that I feel is belittling my position, I may become defensive without knowing it, that in turn can change their perception and suddenly we are both being unintentionally confrontational. I instead could tell you how that made me feel, but that can be tough and can make someone feel vulnerable.
Ultimately, in a relationship, I don't think that there should be sacrifice in expressing yourself and being challenging. What prevents the relationship from fracturing is acknowledging the expression of the other person in a way that they can see, not in censoring yourself.
Does this make sense?
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